Facing the truth. Life's a Challenge

Had a great chat with my wonderful friend and mentor Suzanne Barger. Sometimes I wonder if we are sisters from another mother. I can always count on her to know exactly where I'm coming from and give me the push I need to get back on the right foot. So after reading her latest blogs and having a heart to heart with her I have decided to really come out and be honest with myself and with you...

Here it is, It hurts to admit but I'm struggling. It is so much easier to make bad choices when it comes to food. Bad choices are convenient, they taste good, the taste is comforting and they don't take much effort or thought. Good choices require planning and compromises and this time of year I just don't want to do that.

Last April I was a chronic napper who lived on coffee, sweets and fast food. I spent as little active time with my friends and family as possible because all I wanted to do was sit or sleep. With the tools I found - The Body By Vi 90 Day Challenge and the team that comes along with that - I successfully grew thinner and more healthy. I stand by this Health platform with all my heart but I'm admitting today that this isn't always as easy as it looks.

Here I am 8 months later, fluctuating between 50-56 pounds lighter, more healthy than I've been since childhood and still life can get me down. I'm human and I want to admit my struggles for two reasons. One, so I can be honest with myself and learn to grow beyond my struggles and two,  so I can be honest with you and help you grow beyond your struggles.

This time of year can be hard for many reasons, the food is yummy and being gifted, the stress is high, sadness can creep in from loss, etc. Everyone has their own story and triggers. So know that you are not alone.

I'm here, I'm struggling, but I'm not giving up! Praying for God's guidance for myself and for you. I will do my best to overcome these struggles and continue modeling a healthy life but a real life so that I can help as many people as possible do the same. I am so thankful to my team for the constant support that we give each other, without them and the yummy tools that Visalus provides I would never have made it this far and I wouldn't have the determination to fight this lull and rise above it! Love you all!

If you wanna join us let me know! :)

Check out Suzanne's Blog at www.bringingsexymamaback.wordpress.com

Getting Through this Season

I Love this time of year! Its that time of year when we feel closer to our loved ones and even strangers. We smile more and eat more too! The feelings that this season brings can often be tied to certain foods because of the memories we created while sharing those foods with those we loved. While out doing my Christmas shopping I crave a latte' and pastry because I remember the times I shopped with my Mom and sister or my Mother-in-law and we'd stop and enjoy a break over something warm and sweet. Those memories bring me comfort and therefore so does that food. There are many examples of this. The traditional Christmas meals, the cookies and baked good that we share and of course the Holiday spirits. All of these foods and drinks bring us joy and comfort and remind us of great memories while helping us create more. And you know what...that's not totally wrong. We can't go through our lives completely depriving ourselves of the foods and drinks that bring us joy. God wants us to enjoy these things - in moderation.

Here is where I divulge my past weakness...I have lost weight many times. I have been able to make great strides when ever I decide to do so. But EVERY SINGLE time it was this time of year that sent me in a tail spin and I lost my motivation. Why? I justified overeating and poor choices with the feelings of the season that these foods created. And I failed to prepare myself to get back on track.

I am excited to gain some weight this season! Yes, you read that correctly. I don't doubt that I will gain a little, that is a side effect of celebration sometimes and we have to be ok with that. Every obstacle we face is an opportunity to learn and grow. I have finally armed myself with the tools I need to face these obstacles and I'm excited to make it thru this season for the first time ever knowing that I will probably gain some weight but I will not run away from my Challenges this time!

Here are my secrets...

1. Pray.
Yes God wants us to enjoy life and celebrate with all our senses this season. We should be in awe and grateful for the birth of our Lord. We should also be reminded thru time with God that Jesus was born so that he could suffer and die for us. So how does this relate to our eating choices? While we are justified in celebrating Christ we also have to remember that our bodies house the Holy Spirit and our bodies our not just a means for us to function but also a means for us to share God's love.(1Cor 6:19).

God knows that many of us struggle with this and He cares and wants to help us through. Don't assume that praying about food is beneath God. He cares about EVERYTHING that is important to us.

2. Choose Wisely
While I am aware that I will eat somethings these season that I have made an effort to avoid throughout the year, I am also aware that I can use the same motivation to choose to eat smaller portions and to make compromises. If the dessert is the most important part of your holiday celebration - maybe choose to skip the cocktails. Every compromise you make and every time you enjoy without indulging you empower yourself. Be proud of each good choice you make. And that leads me to #3...

3. Don't punish yourself
Recognize ahead of time that you will be eating or drinking differently than you have this year and accept that. Ignore the voices in your head that are berating you over that one bite of pumpkin pie. Celebrate in moderation - don't punish your body with excess and don't punish your mind and emotions with regret. If you make good choices in moderation there is nothing to regret.

4. Keep Moving
Don't slack off on the exercise because it is the holidays. The more you move the more you'll burn the additional calories. Even add some extra exercise...Take an evening walk and look at the neighborhood decorations and lights.

5. Be ready to take on your next Challenge
Living my life in a series of 90 Day Challenges has been the best choice I have made for my health. I have learned more and grown more healthy than with any other "diet" I have tried in the past. 2013 is quickly approaching and I challenge you to keep that in mind during this season. Prepare yourself to take on a Challenge by thinking and praying about why you want to do so. This is an excellent time of year to find your "why." Reflect on the things that matter to you and the reasons why choosing better health for yourself should be a top priority. Get yourself ready to up your game and become the person you know you can be.

Join me on January 5th for the World's Largest Resolution Rally! I want to encourage and inspire as many people as possible this year. Let's do it together. Text your resolution to (323)378-5863 and fill out the contact info on my website www.jenniferrburgess.bodybyvi.com and I will personally get in touch with you to discuss your goals and assist you in meeting them!

May you have a Blessed Christmas and a Rockin' New Year! I look forward to connecting with you! 

Breaking habits, Making Choices

As humans we all takes things personally. Especially women. It is odd and sometimes hurts my feelings how defensive people get about my success. I guess that when we look at someone who is doing well, or making progress in areas that we'd like to see ourselves improve it can make us feel hurt and defensive. I do not believe I am better than anyone else and I pray that I never make anyone feel that way. I have noticed that many people who have followed my challenge journey feel as if they have to justify to me why they aren't changing their diets or exercising more. I am regularly approached by women especially who just want to tell me that they don't have time to exercise or they don't drink shakes or they can't give up french fries. Even when I haven't mentioned a thing about either of these subjects. I hate that I make these people feel bad. :(  I want to help people, inspire people. I know that not everyone will like me or be willing to let me help them but I hope that I can use my story, my successes and my struggles, to help others who want help.

I looked back at myself before I was introduced to Body by Vi and tried to remember if I ever felt like I had to justify my choices and I remember that I did. Making the choice to make life changes is the hardest choice ever because it requires action. If we defend our habits, we have no intentions of quitting them. I use to explain to my husband why it was OK for me to eat more junk and I remember him saying that I didn't owe him any explanations, that is was my choice. That always made me feel worse because deep down I knew that it wasn't the best choice. If I had someone that would agree with my justifications then that would make it better right? 

I remember watching my friend Suzanne during her first 90 day Challenge and making excuses and feeling jealous. But I finally realized that God was waving this opportunity in my face and I had to take action. It was scary. But I made a vow to stop making excuses and replace negative thoughts with inspired thoughts. 

It isn't always easy. Sometimes its downright hard. But every choice we make determines whether we are moving toward success. The beauty is we can make a choice anytime. Choose now to get started making your life healthier. If you make a mistake, you're human and guess what - you get to make another choice! You can always choose to do better if you will start to make your excuses be your reasons why and not your reasons why not.

If you are in a pattern of defeat or excuse making and would like to talk with me more about how I work toward breaking these habits, I'd love to hear from you. Comment, email or leave contact info on my website. We were made for more!!

“I was made for more than being stuck in a vicious cycle of defeat. I am not made to be a victim of my poor choices. I was made to be a victorious child of God.”
―Lysa TerKeurst, Made to Crave:Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food

Confessions of a Self-Saboteur

 Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.  Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air;  but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.                
            1 Corinthians 9:24-27

I have tried for years to lose weight. I am usually successful at anything I put my mind to so at times I have had great success but never long term. Right when I'm about to reach the finish line I sabotage myself. I have been in that same pattern for so long that it is almost a reflex. I don't even realize I'm doing it. 

My last blog post was a celebration of victory over my cravings. I'm getting closer to my lifetime healthy weight and I have been able to share with you how you too can overcome obstacles and win the race. But I don't have any right preaching to others unless I keep in practice with what I preach. I am writing today to apologize. I want to apologize to you for sharing my victory and turning around and losing my self-control. I want to apologize to myself for losing self-control and more importantly forgive myself and move forward. I want to apologize to God for losing self-control. I praised Him in my last post but in my heart I was praising myself more for the good choices. When we lose sight of where our strength comes from we can get weak. I did. 

Here's the story...This isn't about cravings. I want to clarify to myself and to you that self sabotage isn't always food craving induced. I've been busy (blessedly busy) and I let my choices get less thoughtful and less prayerful. I came home late from a Challenge Party where I was sharing my story and encouraging others to help themselves and in my fridge I found left over Papa John's Cinna-pie. Without giving it a second thought I grabbed a piece - one won't hurt. I was right - one won't hurt. Its the self-control or lack there of that follows that choice that hurts. I immediately felt guilty and instead of praying and forgiving myself I vowed to keep my slip up a secret. Self-Sabotage begins...

Even if I don't tell anyone my body knows and more importantly than that God knows. He knows the secrets in my heart. (Psalm 44:21) God isn't mad at me for my choice. He wants the best for me. If I had eaten that piece of cinna-pie with no regret, made adjustments for it in my work-out or compromises with my other food choices then I would have been fine. Instead the secret festered inside my heart. My guilt grew and became disguised as entitlement. "I've worked hard, I deserve this pizza." Then turned into excuses, "If I just take of one side of the bun off this burger (greasy, full fat, McBadword burger loaded with full fat mayo) then I'll be fine." I can't justify bad choices. I can't continue to reach my goals and hopefully spread motivation to anyone who wants my help or hears my story if I don't have self control in all things. We're all human. We all fall short of God's glory. So I confess today that I have caught myself in my pattern of self destruction and I WILL overcome. 

Every obstacle including the ones we place before ourselves are just opportunities to learn and grow and gain strength. I challenge you today to recognize your self sabotage and areas where you may lack self-control. Confess and forgive and grow stronger with  me.

Old Habits Die Hard

This morning I was able to get both kids off to school and for the first time in a while I had no obligations. Sure there is plenty to do but I get choose from them. The temperature outside was slightly cooler than lately and me being an all things Autumn junkie my first instinct was to hit the local coffee shop for a pumpkin spice latte and a pumpkin scone. I have a house full of healthy food choices AND I had already had my breakfast shake. On top of that I have lots of other things I could spend my money on besides the local coffee shop. So the question is why? Why after 5 months is it still so hard sometimes to make the right choice? Why do these cravings come out of no where even when I'm not hungry?

I was talking with a friend the other day and she said she doesn't eat because of emotions. This interested me because she is a woman and I've never met a woman that felt this way. So I've been thinking. What triggers cravings or just the desire to eat or drink something in general aside from true hunger. I think many of us don't realize that we eat for other reasons than hunger because we associate emotion eating with sadness and stress. Its not just sadness, depression or stress, many of us eat when we're happy, or bored. But what I realized today is that sometimes the choices we make are just a bad habit and associations we don't even realize we have.

I associate school starting and cooler weather with Autumn. I have had a habit in the past of using my time to myself to eat soothing foods and cuddle under blankets. Mix the weather and the alone time and I get pumpkin spice latte's and pumpkin scones. Now is there anything wrong with me doing this? No and yes. No - it is not wrong for me to indulge occasionally. Yes it is wrong for me to indulge because I crave it so badly that I give the yummy treats control of me. I guarantee you that I will have a pumpkin spice latte and pumpkin scone between now and Thanksgiving but I will do it when I have planned for it. When it will benefit me most, both my mind and my body. I will make adjustments in my diet and my exercise for the indulgence and I will be the deciding force for when it is right to indulge - not my tummy, not my taste buds and not my bad habits. 

This was a hard step for me. My car almost pulled into the coffee shop parking lot on its own. I tortured myself for the 10 minutes it took to get to that area trying to come up with every justification possible and then I prayed. I prayed for God's forgiveness of my weakness. I recognized that my body is His temple and by taking care of it I give glory and honor to Him. I asked God to help me feel more in control of my choices and my cravings and I turned the wheel toward home and away from the coffee shop. Victory! Thank you God - you are ALWAYS there for me. 

Every obstacle you overcome makes you that much stronger and that much more capable of handling the next thing that comes your way. If I can do this - You can do this!

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

The night I accepted the challenge and why I've been married 10 years and counting...

Today is the 10th year anniversary of my marriage to Joey. He is truly a God send and I work hard daily to live up to being the kind of wife he deserves. I'm sure I fall short most days but he swears I'm the best. :)

In my previous post I mentioned being aware and ready to accept what God lays before us. Over 10 years ago I knew I believed that God existed but I wasn't ready to give myself to Him. I was at the end of my college days and felt like I didn't truly understand what it meant to be a Christian and I felt - like most things in my life that I couldn't live up to it anyway - so why bother trying. Then I met Joey. He didn't preach his faith to me like a lot of the Christians I had met in my college area. Instead he lived it as well as he could being a human. In fact in my eyes, he lived it better than a hand full of some of the Christians that had attempted to get me closer to God. I fell in love with this man for many reasons. One day while on the back of his motorcycle riding through the mountains we passed a little country church with a sign that said, "When you look into the eyes of Love, you'll see the eyes of God." Wow - Its not everyday that God sends us a sign in actual sign form!!! I realized that day how much I had to learn from this man and I knew at that moment I would one day marry him. SO here's to 10 years boogie! I love you dearly!

Now about the night I joined the challenge...
When Suzanne came to my house to throw a challenge party I knew before she got there that I was ready to change my health. I was nervous but like I've said before I'd ignored the signs long enough watching her receive the blessing I'd been begging for so I made myself ready to do my part.


I was sitting down with Suzanne to sign up when Joey came home with the kids and announced that the transmission was going out in the van. Transmission going out equals breaks working just fine on my drive to a better me. :( Again - my husband comes thru with his usual faith and encouragement. He pulls me off to the side and told me that I can do anything and that we'll find a way. Maybe this is a sign that God wants me to jump in with both feet and face Challenges and life head on. And so I pushed the fear and doubt to the back and I jumped in with both feet!

Sometimes when we try to break free of the things we've allowed to hold us back - that is when we have to brace ourselves for the obstacles that will be thrown in our way. Money is always a good excuse to keep us from bettering ourselves. Its easy to blame money or time for our inability to change. Yet we some how justify spending our money and time on things that aren't healthy or things that don't nourish us.

Everyday I face obstacles, big and small, but I am learning to jump in with both feet like Joey encouraged me to do that night. I've found that no matter what if I hold my head high and do the things I don't always want to do and more than anything pray hard and pray often, then I make it through. No everyday isn't perfect and happy - but I get stronger everyday and that and 10 years of marriage is something to be proud of.

Take risks and never give up! Don't let your biggest obstacle be yourself.

Who am I? I am...

Anyone who has known me or has been following this blog knows that I started this because I wanted to make some changes in myself. I caught myself admiring successful people and wanting to be the kind of person that works hard, never gives up and achieves. I never saw myself as this type of person and I've been on a mission for years to change this.

I've tried almost everything, with my typical half-hearted effort though. But I never found a way to pull myself out of the slump of feeling worthless, unmotivated and lazy. Add to that that I was getting fatter and fatter and in turn less and less healthy and I was creating a person that had no drive and couldn't get thru the day without praying for a nap. Most days I'd find a way to get one even if it meant missing out on things in life. I'd rather be sleeping.  I was on a downhill slope and negativity was snowballing. Everything fed off of everything else. I was so tired so I needed a nap, I'd feel guilty for napping so I'd beat myself up telling myself how lazy and worthless I was, I'd feel miserable so I'd get more tired.

 I started to pray. I prayed hard and often about the same thing...God please help me. I feel so worthless and I want to be more. Help me to do better. Help me understand how to live for You. I want to feel like what I do and who I am matters. I know Lord that I am loved by You but I have dragged myself so low that I have a hard time even feeling that lately. Show me God what I need to break free from this low so that I may walk with You. Help me to have you in my thoughts, my words, my actions and my heart today and always. Amen.

And I prayed and nothing ever seemed to change. The next nap came and I told myself its ok - tomorrow I will change. And I prayed some more. I kept asking God to help me but I never really tried to help myself. I'm sure that God was sending me the signs I needed and putting me where I needed to be but I wasn't doing my part. I hadn't become willing to look and listen. I hadn't become willing to be Helped. Not even God can help someone that refuses to attempt to help themselves.

I watched my friend Suzanne Barger make changes in her life. The kind of changes I was looking for. I watched her and I ignored the signs and I envied her and I wanted to unfriend her on Facebook for shoving her happiness and success down my throat. How dare she be getting what I was praying for. And all the time she was asking me to join her and I ignored some more. But God and my husband and Suzanne diligently nudged me in the right directions until one day I asked for help because I was ready to help myself. I joined the Body By Vi 90 day Challenge with Suzanne.

Hear me out...This isn't just about weight loss.

Soon I'll backtrack and tell you all about the night I joined but for now lets jump ahead. Joining the Challenge gave me accountability and I was blessed to have joined on a unwavering team with the most friendly, knowledgeable and supportive people  across the country. Add to that a product that needs no explanation because the results speak for themselves and I was finally given the tools I needed to make real changes. Thank you God!

Weight loss has been fairly easy for lack of better words. I'm 41 pounds down today about 1/3 into my 2nd 90 day challenge. I have energy and I feel like a different person. This weekend I went out in the heat to play with the kids and other family I was visiting  instead of sleeping while everyone else played with my kids! Not only that - I enjoyed it even though it was hot! AND after we came in from the heat and my nephew making me chase ground balls around the baseball field - I still wasn't worn out! I've built stamina! I'm not missing out on my life anymore! I'm challenging myself and I striving to be my best! I'm working hard even on days I don't really feel like it. I'm not giving up - I'm pushing through. I'm transforming more than my body! I am working on all of me!

Today I asked all of my family and friends to describe me in one word. I wanted to know how other people described me so I could focus on becoming the word I want to be known for. I didn't know what to expect. I was thinking I'd get things like friend or kind - typical words that people that love you say. The word I got several times was Driven! What!? Me?! I am becoming the person I have always know I can be. I am a Challenger! I am an Achiever! I AM DRIVEN!

Do yourself a favor - Help yourself! Don't ignore the signs as long as I did! Look and Listen!

Are you a good Role Model?

I've discussed before how harsh it can be to see yourself being reflected from your children. It sometimes seems that they pick out the worst in you to emulate. If you want to know how you come across to your children just watch them and listen to them - I promise you'll see yourself and you might just be humbled.

As I work on transforming myself to the person that God wants me to be I am pleased to witness the transformation in my children as well.  I didn't realize before that, while I was focusing my thoughts of myself on negative aspects, I was somewhat doing the same of my daughter. I saw her as lazy and unmotivated and I unknowingly was doing her a disservice. I don't believe children are naturally lazy and unmotivated - they model what they see and become what they hear they are. I pray for myself and for all of you that we can see ourselves and our children through God's eyes. God knows and sees the best in all of us. After all we were created in His image so our potential is greater than we realize.

Since taking on my 90 day challenge I have already grown so much into the person I've been praying to become. I know I have a lot more potential too! This morning I saw my reflection in my daughter again and this time I was more proud than ever before. Lately she has been more interested in health and fitness and even looking for ways to start her own business! She is excited to be starting a dog sitting business and working with her on this has given me a chance to get to know her better.

This morning she and her cousin came up with their own Fitness Company. They created a waiver that I had to sign - very intelligent thinking! They are offering several training options from beginner level to "Extreme" which they cleverly named 2 pack, 3 pack, 4 pack, 5 pack, 6 pack ;) and of course Extreme. They have yet to inform me of the cost even though I was gullible enough to go ahead and sign their contract! And the most precious part is they wanted to start their day and mine packed with nutrition for a good work out - so we all three had to have our Body By Vi shake for breakfast! Later I will get the pleasure of trying all of their exercises from 2 pack to Extreme! I may be sore tomorrow!!

What kind of role model will you become for your kids?

When the Time is Right, Real Changes will Happen

The thoughts I have struggled with for years are haunting me less and less. I have told myself for a long time now that I am lazy, that I do only enough to get by, that I'm a quitter and not an achiever, that I'll never have the desire to do better for my health. I started this blog a while back in an effort to work on these patterns and to learn more about myself. Then I was introduced to the 90 Day Challenge.
When the time is right (and it was for me) real changes take place. Visalus makes this challenge as easy as a challenge can possibly be. That isn't to say it is easy but the products give real results fast and that gave me the nudge I needed.
As I have jumped in to this Vi Life and began working toward my health and prosperity I have learned more about myself and who I can be than I ever have in all those years of wishing, journaling, and crying.
I have joined a team of people with the same goals and one particular person (Check out Suzanne's amazing blog http://bringingsexymamaback.wordpress.com/ )who has inspired me like no other to believe in myself, push myself and pray like there's no tomorrow! Now I know even on the hard days that I am not lazy, that I enjoy pushing myself beyond my comfort zone, that I am not a quitter and I am an achiever. I now have the desire to do better for my health and my finances and I have found the tools and the attitude that will help me do this.
25 pounds down so far and I'm replacing that with faith, confidence, determination and money in my pocket! Praise God for helping me be open to this opportunity and willing to work to make it happen.

Motivation

For those of you who have been following this blog you know that I've been on we'll say a journey to become the person I know I can be. I've seen myself for a while as lazy, fat, unmotivated and unimportant. I stared this blog in an effort to "find myself" and with life as it is. the good and the bad, its been in the back of my mind but rarely on my to do list to keep this blog going.

If you haven't heard I have started the Body Bi Vi 90 day health challenge. I am in awe daily and what I have learned about myself in just 4 short weeks of being on this challenge. I am so moved and so excited and I hope to share this feeling with as many people as I can. I won't go into details about the Challenge today but if you are interested please feel free to contact me and check out my website. http://jenniferrburgess.myvi.net/

 Today lets talk about motivation and staying on track...

I have found that one of the BEST things about this Challenge is the support group that you create yourself with the refer 3 get your next month Free. Its completely awesome to get such a great quality product for free but more so than that the gathering of people with the same goals makes me feel more motivated and accountable.

I've been making an effort to surround myself with little motivations. My thoughts, words, actions and activities and the people I choose to spend time with have to be nourishing. We so easily fall into the habit of listening to and talking about negative topics. We get sucked in to watching and reading trash via media. We even create a pattern of complaining and gossiping with our family and friends. And we assume that we are enjoying the entertainment and the conversation - but garbage in...garbage out. Negativity spreads like disease if you don't keep it in check.

But positivity can spread too! Here's what works for me...

1. Prayer - I personally do all things with God's guidance.
2. Drop the toxic friends...This isn't always easy and doesn't necessarily mean you have to "break up" with these people. Just be on guard - limit time together if needed and work hard to keep interactions and communication positive. I'm lucky enough to have started this a while back! I choose friends much more wisely these days.
3. Social Media - Spread Motivation and Encouragement online. Looking for quotes and images that are positive will lift you up too and then you can share that with your friends.
4. Celebrate little achievements and keep goals in mind -
There are days when I'm feeling lazy, hungry or just down right grumpy. On these days remember the little things that add up. Every inch dropped when the scales don't move. Feeling a little more comfortable in those jeans than last week. Drinking water when you really wanted soda. All these things are achievements and when you celebrate these it becomes easier to keep your eyes on the big picture.
5. Remember your "Why"-
If you don't know your WHY spend time today figuring it out. When all else fails you can look to your reasons for setting the goals in the first place. What got you motivated to begin can see you through.




Seek the lofty by reading, hearing and seeing great work at some moment every day. ~Thornton Wilder

Me as a Lego Minifigure

Have you ever wondered what you'd look like as a Lego Minifigure? Yeah, me either. But then one day while at the Lego Store my daughter built me. Long brown hair in a pony tail, coffee cup in one hand and a phone in the other. Nailed it! 

Previously I discussed seeing myself reflected in my children. But me as a minifigure, that was seeing a glimpse of her perspective. Interesting and humorous. Looking back now I wish I would have bought it. I could sit me on my kitchen window and be reminded that my very observant and loving daughter knows me - maybe better than I know myself sometimes.  And also be reminded of that smirky smile on her angel face when she finished building me and brought me to my attention. I love that girl - I'm going to have a make a trip back to the Lego store and have myself rebuilt!

In the mean time - maybe I'll put that phone down a little more often but not the coffee! Thank God they didn't have a little Lego laptop or worse a king sized bed with a cushy pillow and cozy blankets. My minifigure would have destroyed that place trying to get to that!

Life, internal dialogs and other excuses...

It's been crazy around here! When life bombards with stress its easy to start making excuses. I've been thinking about writing and I've been wanting to write but I've been making excuses. I even thought I'd write about all the excuses why I haven't written - as if you are really interested in my excuses or the stress in my life. After pondering all this I decided that my excuses aren't helping me and surely wouldn't help you if I were to pour them out for your reading pleasure.

So why do we make excuses? Fear is probably one of the main reasons we make excuses, fear of failure, rejection, effort and success, fear of change. I think many of us dislike change even if we don't notice that about ourselves. When things stay the same it feels normal. There's nothing to fear because we know what to expect, we know what is expected of us and we know that the amount of effort needed doesn't change much either. When things feel normal we think we know ourselves but deep down we know there is something missing.

For me I'm sure that I'm afraid of success. Sounds strange but I have noticed a pattern of failing to try and quitting just before reaching the goal. Is that crazy or what? But I know now that my excuses and my fear are part of the reason I started this blog. Fear and excuses have caused me to miss out and to feel the desire for knowing myself better.

We all have an internal dialog. Part of the excuse habit stems from the constant conversation we have with ourselves. If we remind ourselves of our fears and justify our excuses then we'll never get where we want to be with ourselves.

No one ever excused his way to success.  ~Dave Del Dotto

So where to go from here? I'm starting by rereading The Power of Words
I obviously need to remind myself of the importance of making an effort to have a polite and kind inner dialog. When I catch myself justifying my excuses instead of taking the action that I truly am capable of I'm going to change my thoughts and change my words. I'm going to work hard at not accepting guilt I haven't earned including guilt that I needlessly put on myself. I'm going to make goals and keep records of progress. It is important to notice progress (even baby steps) and to take pride in that - even reward myself.

I also think I'll do some research on some of the people I admire. Starting with Benjamin Franklin. Every time I search online or pick up a book about self confidence, drive, taking responsibility and all the things I'd like to improve on, there I find a quote or mention of Ben Franklin and his words seem to always inspire. So I'll start there and I'll start now.

When and where will you start?


He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. – Benjamin Franklin

Examining the Looking Glass

If you really want to see yourself don't look in the mirror - look to your children. Children are like mirrors that reflect the past, present and future. When I look at my children I see the child I was, the adult I am now and the adult I'm shaping them to become. I love to watch them play and and learn. I can see the wheels spinning and the sponges soaking everything in. Its neat to see the child I must have been through them. Remembering how I learned and what intrigued me as a child can help me relate to my children. Although they are very different from me and from each other there are still many similarities and remembering these helps me know how to spark their creativity and teach them about themselves too.

For example, I know that I learn better when I have visual examples and hands-on activities and I know that I work well if I make lists that help me stay organized and focused. I can see this same type of learning in Brenna and recognizing this can help me shape some of her experiences to her benefit.
In Kyle I see the tendency to give up too quickly when things don't come easy. I remember that same quality in myself -its hard to forget something that hasn't gone away - its a quality I'm still trying to outgrow. I know what it feels like to get that frustrated and to lack the confidence to push harder. I try to help Kyle gain confidence and learn how to calm himself when he feels like exploding. Its a struggle to learn these things myself. If I can help him now maybe as an adult he won't feel the way I do sometimes.

It is a lovely and sometimes even embarrassing experience to see my current reflection in my children. Sometimes they speak to me or to each other in a way that I'm sure they've learned from me. It's humbling to hear myself through them and realize that is what I sound like - rude, grumpy and impatient! That's a wake up call! But then there are those times when they will do or say something that I know they've learned from me and I'm warmed to the soul with pride! They are listening and I am a good Mom!

What do I see of the future when I look at my children? I see the adult that I wish for them to become. I see the adult they are slowly becoming and I see the Mother that I am and can be for them. 
Who would have thought that I'd find out that one of the best ways to learn about myself and find out who I really am is by looking at my children. God gave them to me not only to take care of and teach them but also to learn from them. I will use these daily "reflections" to learn more about myself. Through them I can see the good in myself and see also where I could use some work.

On Friends...

Coming from a close knit family where we tend to view each other as friends makes it sometimes hard to find true friends outside of that. I have come to learn that having friends both inside and outside of family brings a cavalry of  support, guidance, love, memories, laughter, tears and more laughter. Quantity doesn't matter. But knowing you have a friend or friends that you can count on can make you feel at ease. Friends sometimes take the back seat when life starts moving along and the days turn to weeks before I realize I'm missing someone. I'd like to make a better effort to focus on my true friends more - if nothing but a quick call to say hello or better yet a weekly coffee date. These people need to be reminded that I treasure them. And I need the joy that they bring me!

My advice to you...Call a friend today! Find the time.

On Family...

When you think of your family do you include yourself? 

Moms sometimes spend a lot of time on family and neglect themselves. I am part of my family! I am working on making myself a priority. Focusing on my husband and my kids allows me to feel good about myself. They are among the most important things in my life and I deem it my "job" to care for them but I am working harder on taking care of myself. Making us (includes me - see!) a priority and focusing my efforts on being my best for myself and for my husband and children has allowed me to start feeling more confident. I feel more like the time I spend has importance. That is easy to forget when you spend your days tending to others and wishing you were a better housekeeper. But every effort is worth it and I have to remind myself that my life, no matter how mundane it can seem at times, has great worth. 

On Faith...

Faith in God: Since my young adult years I have worked to strengthen my relationship with God and when I focus on this and I take time to give thanks it reminds me that I am not forgotten. It reminds me that I am loved. Doing this also makes me aware of my blessings.Whether it be through prayer or simply taking an honest appreciation audit, I challenge you to feel negative afterward.
I also pray for help. It comforts me to know that I am not alone in the challenges I face. Be they big or small, I can always ask for guidance and support. I find that when I ask I receive what I need (not always what I want).

Faith in self: This doesn't come easy for me but I'm looking forward :)Every morning I have been praying for guidance for that day. If I spend my day thinking about what is important, the things that I love I find my motivation. Its so much easier to clean the dishes if I focus on how great it is that I've made a good meal for the people I love or for myself! When I am motivated and productive I feel better about myself.



How does faith effect your daily life?

Looking Forward

The problem with putting yourself down a lot is that it keeps you there. If you tell yourself how wrong, undeserving and worthless you are long enough you find yourself standing still looking around and seeing nothing.

I recently received a wonderful email from one of my favorite uncles. He said some things that started me thinking. My husband has been sick and I haven't had time to do much, but with all the time I've spent in doctor's offices, ER's and by my husbands side at home I've gained a little perspective while pondering this email.  I'd like to share some of what he said with you..."Life is like driving a boat. To get where you want to go you focus on the horizon, not 10 feet in front. There will be waves between you and the horizon, but that's the "small stuff". You ride over them and continue toward your focused target. You can never steer a boat by looking at the wake, never look backward."

My uncle suggested that I understand and focus on the priorities in my life leaving less time to worry with the little things that really don't matter. I realized how much time I spend standing still with my life, looking only at the little things and causing my own stress instead of taking action and looking forward. I've spent the past few days really thinking about this. What really are my priorities? How can I keep myself focused and looking forward?

The people, places and things that mean the most to me can be summed up in three words that have almost reached the point of becoming cliche thanks to the trend of hanging words as home decor (a trend that I do love).

Faith, Family and Friends. These three words and the sum of what they truly are make up my priorities. These are the things I see on my horizon but are also with me at all times too.There will be more on this but right now I'm still tending to and pondering these things.

Now a moment of pride in myself related to looking forward...I have attempted Weight Watchers going on 3 times now. Each time this program worked well for me but I never learned to forgive myself when I didn't eat or exercise as well as I should. This weekend I didn't make the best food choices but I looked ahead. Without much effort I forgave myself. I understand the reasons why I didn't eat as well and I accepted that as the past and not a reason for giving up! I kept tracking my food and I tried to look and move forward - and I did it! Even with the Cajun Filet Biscuit with Cheese, Seasoned Fried and that super yummy bite of Brenna's cinnamon pecan twist, I lost .6lbs. Not a lot but still a loss and and lesson learned! I'm super proud of myself and I don't regret a thing. Bojangles was just a wave but I kept my eyes on the horizon! Thanks Uncle John! You rock! :)

By the way - my total loss to date is 5.2! Yay me!

Peeling Apples

I can peel an apple without lifting the knife or breaking the skin. I wanted to learn how and I practiced and I figured it out. And yet today I sit here beating myself up because I'm lacking in motivation. There is so much that can be done and so much that has to be done. I find myself doing a little and then losing interest. This is a pattern of mine that I have in many aspects of my life. I'm trying to get out of the always half-hearted habit. So today when I peeled myself the apple you see above I thought about setting goals, trying hard and achieving and why its so hard for me. And I end up back where I always end up...irritable and not happy with myself. Then not only do I not want to be around myself, no one else does either!

The issue is not if I am able to work hard and achieve it is whether I am willing. I realize that I work plenty hard on things that truly interest me. I taught myself to peel that apple and if you've never tried that, it isn't as easy as it looks. So here's the problem...I don't know what interests me and I'm not interested in some things that really should be done.

How to motivate myself to do the mundane so that I'll feel good enough about myself to try out some new interests??

1. Stay away from technology - the computer and mobile phone is VERY distracting and encourages my laziness.
2. Enlist the help of the children
3. Talk to myself nicely - stop saying things like; "I just don't want to" and "I don't have the energy"and REALLY stop saying things like; "I'm so lazy," "My family deserves better."
4. Just do it! Turn on the music and get to work. 

I want to be the best for my husband and my children but I really want to be the best for myself. Part of that is doing things like keeping a clean and organized house and preparing meals that nourish me and my family. I should do these things with pride but I readily admit that I don't like to. But I will. I'm going to continue to work on my motivation to do the things that need to be done. I'm sure that in doing so I will eventually start finding my personal interests and motivations.


Things aren't always easy, nor should they be. I will peel away the years of settling for the easy things and missing out on the pride that comes from completing tasks and challenges. Just like my attempts in learning to peel an apple. If I mess up I will try again until more times than not I do it with ease.

I'd love to hear how you stay motivated to do the day to day things that need to be done?

NEED to WANT less

Blurry eyed and feeling my way to the kitchen I thought to myself, "I need coffee!" Again I am reminded of the power of words. It struck me that I could possibly improve on myself by distinguishing between my needs and wants. I so freely use the word "need." I need new salt and pepper shakers, I need a new hair style, I need creamer for the needed coffee, I need chocolate and pizza and french fries! And then I'm depressed when it is out of my means to fill these so called needs. I sometimes easily forget how grateful I should be that my true needs are readily met.


As a parent I regularly look to God for inspiration and advice.  I try to model myself as a parent the way that God "parents" me as my Father. I find that the less I want and the more I appreciate the more God provides. I try hard not to spoil my children with their frivolous wants unless I see that they have learned to appreciate the things I have already provided for them. I hold somewhat high expectations on my children in regards to this partly because I want to teach them to be better than I am and partly because I can not afford financially to satisfy many of their wants. Don't get me wrong - my children are plenty spoiled - they are not lacking in any of their true needs and they have more toys than some day-cares. But I try anyway to teach them to be thankful for these blessings and to resist the urge to want more and more. Not an easy task when to them it seems that their friends get the newest and greatest things daily. So how do I achieve this in a world where we justify our many wants by labeling them needs? I am not innocent of this. I encourage my children to want less and appreciate more, all while I am spelling out my wants as needs as if that is somehow better.

By just realizing and making an effort to correct my wording could I change my perspective? Realizing that wants come after needs are met and after financial, health and family necessities are met could make decision making an easier process and help me meet my goals. Not that I shouldn't have the things I want. After all there is more to life than just mere survival but setting real priorities could help all areas of my life...


Health - the food and activity that is needed to make my body healthy should always be my first choice.
Money - the spending that keeps our basic needs met should come first.
Family - this includes the health and money aspects and also...hygiene, education, time together, memory making and much more.

I see where making an effort to truly recognize the difference between my needs and wants and to fill my needs within my means will allow time and possibly even money for fulfilling my wants. More than anything correcting my wording will teach me to appreciate that my needs are met and that not having my wants met immediately isn't something to get sad or frustrated about. Modeling this thinking and behavior will do more to teach my children than any other efforts I have made in the past.

That said, I still feel the need for coffee, let's be realistic here, but the salt and pepper shakers really can wait!

The Power of Words

As a child I remember standing with all the strength I could muster and bravely declaring, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me!" Even in that moment while my feelings were truly hurt I'd stand there and try to convince myself and my demon that I was invincible to the painful words.  Looking back and looking at the now I see the falsehood (and the truth) in that dauntless statement.  


We learn from parenting magazines and books that words can help or hinder our child's growth. We offer praise (probably too much) and feel guilty when our words weren't what we believe they should have been. All because we know that words are powerful. We also attempt to teach our children that words can't hurt them. If some one is mean to you, you have a choice to walk away. You have a choice to ignore the words that otherwise might cause you grief. I sincerely hope my children learn this. 


But can I successfully teach something I don't successfully practice?  I'm blessed to be surrounded with people who don't purposefully speak to me in hateful ways. My own thoughts however aren't always so nice. Self verbal abuse is not uncommon and yet hardly recognized. I find myself regularly thinking the worst about myself and thoughts are really just unspoken words. Is it really as easy as looking in the mirror every morning and saying "I am a self confident and hard working woman." If I do that will I achieve my goals? I do believe that the negative self talk is part of what has gotten me to this point in my life where I'm not pleased with myself so maybe its true that if you tell yourself something long enough you'll start believing. But there is more to it than that. Effort has to be exerted. So I tell myself I am what I want to be and then I practice it as hard as I can. 

To live is to be in a constant state of decision making. I can decide to ignore the meanie on the playground but those hurt feelings won't necessarily heal instantly. I'll have to continue deciding that those words aren't true, those words don't matter. I have to change the words in my head to words that heal. 


So today, I am a confident, beautiful and productive woman! Now I must go get to work on that!  

"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, non but ourselves can free our own minds." -Bob Marley

Challenge: Be my best and be myself

I did it! With the loving financial generosity of my Mother in Law (who at this point is more excited than I am) I rejoined Weight Watchers! Weight Watchers works for me because I'm lazy and I crave attention. **blushing smile*** Weight Watchers makes me accountable (MIL funding will also do that!) and they give me gold stars for achievements. Seriously - I'm 35 and I love getting a gold star shaped bravo sticker. So I have officially and unabashedly established that I love attention and acknowledgment. One thing learned...check!

Yesterday I sat on the couch telling myself to ignore the headache that I probably had given myself anyway and get up and do something. It took a lot of convincing but I did. I reheated left overs at the complaints of Brenna and I took pride in forcing Kyle to try a green pea again. He ate half of one. Baby steps! After dinner I took the kids down to the school and I walked the track while they played on the playground. I called my mom's house and got my sister (super jealous - wish I was there!)  and got the pat on the back I was looking for. I'm shameless.

Today I start full force with learning to eat in a way that is works for me and my body. A healthier way without giving up my favorites. It'll be a long process I know so here's where I learn patience and hopefully over time more about me. Who knows - maybe I really do enjoy cooking. Maybe I'll find that I enjoy activities more than napping. And maybe I won't - but the goal here is to find a happy medium at least. I want to accept myself for who I really am but also challenge myself to strive to be the best me.

"If we did all the things we are capable of doing,
we would literally astound ourselves."
Thomas A Edison


"The best thing you can do is get good at being you."
Dennis the Menace

Pats on the back

One the way to my parent's house to pick up our children Joey and I had an interesting conversation. He was saying that women try to look good for others and that is the only reason. I devoutly argued the side that as a women i try to look good for myself.

I spend lots of time around the house. It seems redundant to take the time daily to shower and do my hair. To put on make up and clothes that aren't sweats or pjs would mean time, effort and more laundry. But then I find that when I do need to leave the house I still don't want to put forth the effort to look much better. So then I don't really care if I look good for others. However, when I do put forth the effort, when I spend a little time on my face and hair and add a little jewelry to my matching outfit, I feel better. I feel like a human. I feel motivated.

So with that experience I deduce that I try to look good for myself - not others. That is when I actually try. Joey is convinced by that logic - to a degree anyway.

Yesterday was one of my good days. I actually put a little curl in my hair and fluffed it some. I picked out a nice outfit that didn't look like pajamas and I even matched my makeup (tastefully) to my shirt! :) I put on jewelry and I felt like a woman. A strong and capable woman. After the discussion in the van I felt even more motivated. I was proud - I took the time to care for myself and I did it for myself!

And then - no one said anything! Seriously? I look like a Big, Beautiful Woman pajama ad most every time these people see me and they don't even notice the time I took this morning to look nice? I was astounded at my thought process. If I truly did all this for myself then why am I concerned about others statements or lack there of? I pushed it out of my mind but honestly it kept creeping back in most of the day.

I crave attention. I want to be patted on the back. Its who I am. That I know about myself. Is it a flaw I should try to change or something I should accept and embrace in the quest to get to know who I am? Maybe a little of both. There is nothing wrong with the fact that I feel loved and important when others notice me or notice my successes. That I will accept. But my expectations of others - that is what I need to change. I will be reminding myself when the pat on the back that I deserve doesn't come, that not being acknowledged doesn't diminish me or my strides. I have to truly do these thing for myself and not for others. I have to be proud of the shots I take. In the big scheme of things my life and how I live should be for God and for myself.

Yes, when I'm noticed I will bloom faster - that is part of who i am. But, when a flower is blooming in the wild and no one sees it that doesn't mean it isn't beautiful.

I'm Taking the Shot!

Wayne Gretzky has been quoted as saying "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." I admire people like him. Hard working people who strive to be their best and who are proud of the achievements they make because they weren't afraid to take the shots.  I've been wanting to start a blog and to purge and possibly share my thoughts, feelings and emotions in an effort to heal and grow and to know myself better. So I'm taking the shot...

This isn't a hockey blog (although I'd like to have a little NHL back in my life, maybe when the debt gets paid off we'll be able to afford those channels!) I just found the Gretzky quote to be vastly appropriate. I find myself thinking mostly negative about myself. I look at myself and I feel like I've become the me that I've convinced myself I am and I'm not real happy with that person. I want so badly to be like one of the people I admire. I want to be confident, self-reliant, self-motivated, hard working and driven. I don't want to be too afraid or too unmotivated to take the shots. 

I know if I step back and look carefully there are many things about me that I should love and be proud of - like being a mother, wife, daughter and friend. And even though I carry guilt regularly about not living up to these parts of myself, I know that I'm not bad or unworthy of those titles. Be it true or untrue, most times I don't know who I am outside of those titles and I believe if I can find that part of me - that part that I lost or that was never fully formed - then I can also feel more confident with my other titles. 

I hope to learn who I am. Really get to know Jennifer - not just Brenna and Kyle's Mama. I need to be able to say I know what I like. I know what I want. I've gotten so wrapped up in the day to day and in my lack of motivation that I can't even tell you what I like to do for fun. This is going to change. I am not happy with my weight, my health or my lack of confidence and drive. This is going to change. 

Years of ups and downs, changes and things that stayed the same have brought me to this point so I know I can't make changes over night. I have a lot to learn but I'm starting now. I'm taking as many shots as I can. 

Read if you will, respond if you'd like, support me if you can. There will be more to come. I'd love feedback or stories of your own. Let me know how you take the shots and how you move forward when you feel you can't take the shots.

So this ends my first blog...just an introduction but I swung and I'm feeling better already.