Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Confessions of a Self-Saboteur

 Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.  Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air;  but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.                
            1 Corinthians 9:24-27

I have tried for years to lose weight. I am usually successful at anything I put my mind to so at times I have had great success but never long term. Right when I'm about to reach the finish line I sabotage myself. I have been in that same pattern for so long that it is almost a reflex. I don't even realize I'm doing it. 

My last blog post was a celebration of victory over my cravings. I'm getting closer to my lifetime healthy weight and I have been able to share with you how you too can overcome obstacles and win the race. But I don't have any right preaching to others unless I keep in practice with what I preach. I am writing today to apologize. I want to apologize to you for sharing my victory and turning around and losing my self-control. I want to apologize to myself for losing self-control and more importantly forgive myself and move forward. I want to apologize to God for losing self-control. I praised Him in my last post but in my heart I was praising myself more for the good choices. When we lose sight of where our strength comes from we can get weak. I did. 

Here's the story...This isn't about cravings. I want to clarify to myself and to you that self sabotage isn't always food craving induced. I've been busy (blessedly busy) and I let my choices get less thoughtful and less prayerful. I came home late from a Challenge Party where I was sharing my story and encouraging others to help themselves and in my fridge I found left over Papa John's Cinna-pie. Without giving it a second thought I grabbed a piece - one won't hurt. I was right - one won't hurt. Its the self-control or lack there of that follows that choice that hurts. I immediately felt guilty and instead of praying and forgiving myself I vowed to keep my slip up a secret. Self-Sabotage begins...

Even if I don't tell anyone my body knows and more importantly than that God knows. He knows the secrets in my heart. (Psalm 44:21) God isn't mad at me for my choice. He wants the best for me. If I had eaten that piece of cinna-pie with no regret, made adjustments for it in my work-out or compromises with my other food choices then I would have been fine. Instead the secret festered inside my heart. My guilt grew and became disguised as entitlement. "I've worked hard, I deserve this pizza." Then turned into excuses, "If I just take of one side of the bun off this burger (greasy, full fat, McBadword burger loaded with full fat mayo) then I'll be fine." I can't justify bad choices. I can't continue to reach my goals and hopefully spread motivation to anyone who wants my help or hears my story if I don't have self control in all things. We're all human. We all fall short of God's glory. So I confess today that I have caught myself in my pattern of self destruction and I WILL overcome. 

Every obstacle including the ones we place before ourselves are just opportunities to learn and grow and gain strength. I challenge you today to recognize your self sabotage and areas where you may lack self-control. Confess and forgive and grow stronger with  me.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Old Habits Die Hard

This morning I was able to get both kids off to school and for the first time in a while I had no obligations. Sure there is plenty to do but I get choose from them. The temperature outside was slightly cooler than lately and me being an all things Autumn junkie my first instinct was to hit the local coffee shop for a pumpkin spice latte and a pumpkin scone. I have a house full of healthy food choices AND I had already had my breakfast shake. On top of that I have lots of other things I could spend my money on besides the local coffee shop. So the question is why? Why after 5 months is it still so hard sometimes to make the right choice? Why do these cravings come out of no where even when I'm not hungry?

I was talking with a friend the other day and she said she doesn't eat because of emotions. This interested me because she is a woman and I've never met a woman that felt this way. So I've been thinking. What triggers cravings or just the desire to eat or drink something in general aside from true hunger. I think many of us don't realize that we eat for other reasons than hunger because we associate emotion eating with sadness and stress. Its not just sadness, depression or stress, many of us eat when we're happy, or bored. But what I realized today is that sometimes the choices we make are just a bad habit and associations we don't even realize we have.

I associate school starting and cooler weather with Autumn. I have had a habit in the past of using my time to myself to eat soothing foods and cuddle under blankets. Mix the weather and the alone time and I get pumpkin spice latte's and pumpkin scones. Now is there anything wrong with me doing this? No and yes. No - it is not wrong for me to indulge occasionally. Yes it is wrong for me to indulge because I crave it so badly that I give the yummy treats control of me. I guarantee you that I will have a pumpkin spice latte and pumpkin scone between now and Thanksgiving but I will do it when I have planned for it. When it will benefit me most, both my mind and my body. I will make adjustments in my diet and my exercise for the indulgence and I will be the deciding force for when it is right to indulge - not my tummy, not my taste buds and not my bad habits. 

This was a hard step for me. My car almost pulled into the coffee shop parking lot on its own. I tortured myself for the 10 minutes it took to get to that area trying to come up with every justification possible and then I prayed. I prayed for God's forgiveness of my weakness. I recognized that my body is His temple and by taking care of it I give glory and honor to Him. I asked God to help me feel more in control of my choices and my cravings and I turned the wheel toward home and away from the coffee shop. Victory! Thank you God - you are ALWAYS there for me. 

Every obstacle you overcome makes you that much stronger and that much more capable of handling the next thing that comes your way. If I can do this - You can do this!

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

2 Corinthians 12:9