NEED to WANT less

Blurry eyed and feeling my way to the kitchen I thought to myself, "I need coffee!" Again I am reminded of the power of words. It struck me that I could possibly improve on myself by distinguishing between my needs and wants. I so freely use the word "need." I need new salt and pepper shakers, I need a new hair style, I need creamer for the needed coffee, I need chocolate and pizza and french fries! And then I'm depressed when it is out of my means to fill these so called needs. I sometimes easily forget how grateful I should be that my true needs are readily met.


As a parent I regularly look to God for inspiration and advice.  I try to model myself as a parent the way that God "parents" me as my Father. I find that the less I want and the more I appreciate the more God provides. I try hard not to spoil my children with their frivolous wants unless I see that they have learned to appreciate the things I have already provided for them. I hold somewhat high expectations on my children in regards to this partly because I want to teach them to be better than I am and partly because I can not afford financially to satisfy many of their wants. Don't get me wrong - my children are plenty spoiled - they are not lacking in any of their true needs and they have more toys than some day-cares. But I try anyway to teach them to be thankful for these blessings and to resist the urge to want more and more. Not an easy task when to them it seems that their friends get the newest and greatest things daily. So how do I achieve this in a world where we justify our many wants by labeling them needs? I am not innocent of this. I encourage my children to want less and appreciate more, all while I am spelling out my wants as needs as if that is somehow better.

By just realizing and making an effort to correct my wording could I change my perspective? Realizing that wants come after needs are met and after financial, health and family necessities are met could make decision making an easier process and help me meet my goals. Not that I shouldn't have the things I want. After all there is more to life than just mere survival but setting real priorities could help all areas of my life...


Health - the food and activity that is needed to make my body healthy should always be my first choice.
Money - the spending that keeps our basic needs met should come first.
Family - this includes the health and money aspects and also...hygiene, education, time together, memory making and much more.

I see where making an effort to truly recognize the difference between my needs and wants and to fill my needs within my means will allow time and possibly even money for fulfilling my wants. More than anything correcting my wording will teach me to appreciate that my needs are met and that not having my wants met immediately isn't something to get sad or frustrated about. Modeling this thinking and behavior will do more to teach my children than any other efforts I have made in the past.

That said, I still feel the need for coffee, let's be realistic here, but the salt and pepper shakers really can wait!

The Power of Words

As a child I remember standing with all the strength I could muster and bravely declaring, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me!" Even in that moment while my feelings were truly hurt I'd stand there and try to convince myself and my demon that I was invincible to the painful words.  Looking back and looking at the now I see the falsehood (and the truth) in that dauntless statement.  


We learn from parenting magazines and books that words can help or hinder our child's growth. We offer praise (probably too much) and feel guilty when our words weren't what we believe they should have been. All because we know that words are powerful. We also attempt to teach our children that words can't hurt them. If some one is mean to you, you have a choice to walk away. You have a choice to ignore the words that otherwise might cause you grief. I sincerely hope my children learn this. 


But can I successfully teach something I don't successfully practice?  I'm blessed to be surrounded with people who don't purposefully speak to me in hateful ways. My own thoughts however aren't always so nice. Self verbal abuse is not uncommon and yet hardly recognized. I find myself regularly thinking the worst about myself and thoughts are really just unspoken words. Is it really as easy as looking in the mirror every morning and saying "I am a self confident and hard working woman." If I do that will I achieve my goals? I do believe that the negative self talk is part of what has gotten me to this point in my life where I'm not pleased with myself so maybe its true that if you tell yourself something long enough you'll start believing. But there is more to it than that. Effort has to be exerted. So I tell myself I am what I want to be and then I practice it as hard as I can. 

To live is to be in a constant state of decision making. I can decide to ignore the meanie on the playground but those hurt feelings won't necessarily heal instantly. I'll have to continue deciding that those words aren't true, those words don't matter. I have to change the words in my head to words that heal. 


So today, I am a confident, beautiful and productive woman! Now I must go get to work on that!  

"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, non but ourselves can free our own minds." -Bob Marley

Challenge: Be my best and be myself

I did it! With the loving financial generosity of my Mother in Law (who at this point is more excited than I am) I rejoined Weight Watchers! Weight Watchers works for me because I'm lazy and I crave attention. **blushing smile*** Weight Watchers makes me accountable (MIL funding will also do that!) and they give me gold stars for achievements. Seriously - I'm 35 and I love getting a gold star shaped bravo sticker. So I have officially and unabashedly established that I love attention and acknowledgment. One thing learned...check!

Yesterday I sat on the couch telling myself to ignore the headache that I probably had given myself anyway and get up and do something. It took a lot of convincing but I did. I reheated left overs at the complaints of Brenna and I took pride in forcing Kyle to try a green pea again. He ate half of one. Baby steps! After dinner I took the kids down to the school and I walked the track while they played on the playground. I called my mom's house and got my sister (super jealous - wish I was there!)  and got the pat on the back I was looking for. I'm shameless.

Today I start full force with learning to eat in a way that is works for me and my body. A healthier way without giving up my favorites. It'll be a long process I know so here's where I learn patience and hopefully over time more about me. Who knows - maybe I really do enjoy cooking. Maybe I'll find that I enjoy activities more than napping. And maybe I won't - but the goal here is to find a happy medium at least. I want to accept myself for who I really am but also challenge myself to strive to be the best me.

"If we did all the things we are capable of doing,
we would literally astound ourselves."
Thomas A Edison


"The best thing you can do is get good at being you."
Dennis the Menace

Pats on the back

One the way to my parent's house to pick up our children Joey and I had an interesting conversation. He was saying that women try to look good for others and that is the only reason. I devoutly argued the side that as a women i try to look good for myself.

I spend lots of time around the house. It seems redundant to take the time daily to shower and do my hair. To put on make up and clothes that aren't sweats or pjs would mean time, effort and more laundry. But then I find that when I do need to leave the house I still don't want to put forth the effort to look much better. So then I don't really care if I look good for others. However, when I do put forth the effort, when I spend a little time on my face and hair and add a little jewelry to my matching outfit, I feel better. I feel like a human. I feel motivated.

So with that experience I deduce that I try to look good for myself - not others. That is when I actually try. Joey is convinced by that logic - to a degree anyway.

Yesterday was one of my good days. I actually put a little curl in my hair and fluffed it some. I picked out a nice outfit that didn't look like pajamas and I even matched my makeup (tastefully) to my shirt! :) I put on jewelry and I felt like a woman. A strong and capable woman. After the discussion in the van I felt even more motivated. I was proud - I took the time to care for myself and I did it for myself!

And then - no one said anything! Seriously? I look like a Big, Beautiful Woman pajama ad most every time these people see me and they don't even notice the time I took this morning to look nice? I was astounded at my thought process. If I truly did all this for myself then why am I concerned about others statements or lack there of? I pushed it out of my mind but honestly it kept creeping back in most of the day.

I crave attention. I want to be patted on the back. Its who I am. That I know about myself. Is it a flaw I should try to change or something I should accept and embrace in the quest to get to know who I am? Maybe a little of both. There is nothing wrong with the fact that I feel loved and important when others notice me or notice my successes. That I will accept. But my expectations of others - that is what I need to change. I will be reminding myself when the pat on the back that I deserve doesn't come, that not being acknowledged doesn't diminish me or my strides. I have to truly do these thing for myself and not for others. I have to be proud of the shots I take. In the big scheme of things my life and how I live should be for God and for myself.

Yes, when I'm noticed I will bloom faster - that is part of who i am. But, when a flower is blooming in the wild and no one sees it that doesn't mean it isn't beautiful.

I'm Taking the Shot!

Wayne Gretzky has been quoted as saying "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." I admire people like him. Hard working people who strive to be their best and who are proud of the achievements they make because they weren't afraid to take the shots.  I've been wanting to start a blog and to purge and possibly share my thoughts, feelings and emotions in an effort to heal and grow and to know myself better. So I'm taking the shot...

This isn't a hockey blog (although I'd like to have a little NHL back in my life, maybe when the debt gets paid off we'll be able to afford those channels!) I just found the Gretzky quote to be vastly appropriate. I find myself thinking mostly negative about myself. I look at myself and I feel like I've become the me that I've convinced myself I am and I'm not real happy with that person. I want so badly to be like one of the people I admire. I want to be confident, self-reliant, self-motivated, hard working and driven. I don't want to be too afraid or too unmotivated to take the shots. 

I know if I step back and look carefully there are many things about me that I should love and be proud of - like being a mother, wife, daughter and friend. And even though I carry guilt regularly about not living up to these parts of myself, I know that I'm not bad or unworthy of those titles. Be it true or untrue, most times I don't know who I am outside of those titles and I believe if I can find that part of me - that part that I lost or that was never fully formed - then I can also feel more confident with my other titles. 

I hope to learn who I am. Really get to know Jennifer - not just Brenna and Kyle's Mama. I need to be able to say I know what I like. I know what I want. I've gotten so wrapped up in the day to day and in my lack of motivation that I can't even tell you what I like to do for fun. This is going to change. I am not happy with my weight, my health or my lack of confidence and drive. This is going to change. 

Years of ups and downs, changes and things that stayed the same have brought me to this point so I know I can't make changes over night. I have a lot to learn but I'm starting now. I'm taking as many shots as I can. 

Read if you will, respond if you'd like, support me if you can. There will be more to come. I'd love feedback or stories of your own. Let me know how you take the shots and how you move forward when you feel you can't take the shots.

So this ends my first blog...just an introduction but I swung and I'm feeling better already.