Pats on the back

One the way to my parent's house to pick up our children Joey and I had an interesting conversation. He was saying that women try to look good for others and that is the only reason. I devoutly argued the side that as a women i try to look good for myself.

I spend lots of time around the house. It seems redundant to take the time daily to shower and do my hair. To put on make up and clothes that aren't sweats or pjs would mean time, effort and more laundry. But then I find that when I do need to leave the house I still don't want to put forth the effort to look much better. So then I don't really care if I look good for others. However, when I do put forth the effort, when I spend a little time on my face and hair and add a little jewelry to my matching outfit, I feel better. I feel like a human. I feel motivated.

So with that experience I deduce that I try to look good for myself - not others. That is when I actually try. Joey is convinced by that logic - to a degree anyway.

Yesterday was one of my good days. I actually put a little curl in my hair and fluffed it some. I picked out a nice outfit that didn't look like pajamas and I even matched my makeup (tastefully) to my shirt! :) I put on jewelry and I felt like a woman. A strong and capable woman. After the discussion in the van I felt even more motivated. I was proud - I took the time to care for myself and I did it for myself!

And then - no one said anything! Seriously? I look like a Big, Beautiful Woman pajama ad most every time these people see me and they don't even notice the time I took this morning to look nice? I was astounded at my thought process. If I truly did all this for myself then why am I concerned about others statements or lack there of? I pushed it out of my mind but honestly it kept creeping back in most of the day.

I crave attention. I want to be patted on the back. Its who I am. That I know about myself. Is it a flaw I should try to change or something I should accept and embrace in the quest to get to know who I am? Maybe a little of both. There is nothing wrong with the fact that I feel loved and important when others notice me or notice my successes. That I will accept. But my expectations of others - that is what I need to change. I will be reminding myself when the pat on the back that I deserve doesn't come, that not being acknowledged doesn't diminish me or my strides. I have to truly do these thing for myself and not for others. I have to be proud of the shots I take. In the big scheme of things my life and how I live should be for God and for myself.

Yes, when I'm noticed I will bloom faster - that is part of who i am. But, when a flower is blooming in the wild and no one sees it that doesn't mean it isn't beautiful.