Who am I? I am...

Anyone who has known me or has been following this blog knows that I started this because I wanted to make some changes in myself. I caught myself admiring successful people and wanting to be the kind of person that works hard, never gives up and achieves. I never saw myself as this type of person and I've been on a mission for years to change this.

I've tried almost everything, with my typical half-hearted effort though. But I never found a way to pull myself out of the slump of feeling worthless, unmotivated and lazy. Add to that that I was getting fatter and fatter and in turn less and less healthy and I was creating a person that had no drive and couldn't get thru the day without praying for a nap. Most days I'd find a way to get one even if it meant missing out on things in life. I'd rather be sleeping.  I was on a downhill slope and negativity was snowballing. Everything fed off of everything else. I was so tired so I needed a nap, I'd feel guilty for napping so I'd beat myself up telling myself how lazy and worthless I was, I'd feel miserable so I'd get more tired.

 I started to pray. I prayed hard and often about the same thing...God please help me. I feel so worthless and I want to be more. Help me to do better. Help me understand how to live for You. I want to feel like what I do and who I am matters. I know Lord that I am loved by You but I have dragged myself so low that I have a hard time even feeling that lately. Show me God what I need to break free from this low so that I may walk with You. Help me to have you in my thoughts, my words, my actions and my heart today and always. Amen.

And I prayed and nothing ever seemed to change. The next nap came and I told myself its ok - tomorrow I will change. And I prayed some more. I kept asking God to help me but I never really tried to help myself. I'm sure that God was sending me the signs I needed and putting me where I needed to be but I wasn't doing my part. I hadn't become willing to look and listen. I hadn't become willing to be Helped. Not even God can help someone that refuses to attempt to help themselves.

I watched my friend Suzanne Barger make changes in her life. The kind of changes I was looking for. I watched her and I ignored the signs and I envied her and I wanted to unfriend her on Facebook for shoving her happiness and success down my throat. How dare she be getting what I was praying for. And all the time she was asking me to join her and I ignored some more. But God and my husband and Suzanne diligently nudged me in the right directions until one day I asked for help because I was ready to help myself. I joined the Body By Vi 90 day Challenge with Suzanne.

Hear me out...This isn't just about weight loss.

Soon I'll backtrack and tell you all about the night I joined but for now lets jump ahead. Joining the Challenge gave me accountability and I was blessed to have joined on a unwavering team with the most friendly, knowledgeable and supportive people  across the country. Add to that a product that needs no explanation because the results speak for themselves and I was finally given the tools I needed to make real changes. Thank you God!

Weight loss has been fairly easy for lack of better words. I'm 41 pounds down today about 1/3 into my 2nd 90 day challenge. I have energy and I feel like a different person. This weekend I went out in the heat to play with the kids and other family I was visiting  instead of sleeping while everyone else played with my kids! Not only that - I enjoyed it even though it was hot! AND after we came in from the heat and my nephew making me chase ground balls around the baseball field - I still wasn't worn out! I've built stamina! I'm not missing out on my life anymore! I'm challenging myself and I striving to be my best! I'm working hard even on days I don't really feel like it. I'm not giving up - I'm pushing through. I'm transforming more than my body! I am working on all of me!

Today I asked all of my family and friends to describe me in one word. I wanted to know how other people described me so I could focus on becoming the word I want to be known for. I didn't know what to expect. I was thinking I'd get things like friend or kind - typical words that people that love you say. The word I got several times was Driven! What!? Me?! I am becoming the person I have always know I can be. I am a Challenger! I am an Achiever! I AM DRIVEN!

Do yourself a favor - Help yourself! Don't ignore the signs as long as I did! Look and Listen!

On Family...

When you think of your family do you include yourself? 

Moms sometimes spend a lot of time on family and neglect themselves. I am part of my family! I am working on making myself a priority. Focusing on my husband and my kids allows me to feel good about myself. They are among the most important things in my life and I deem it my "job" to care for them but I am working harder on taking care of myself. Making us (includes me - see!) a priority and focusing my efforts on being my best for myself and for my husband and children has allowed me to start feeling more confident. I feel more like the time I spend has importance. That is easy to forget when you spend your days tending to others and wishing you were a better housekeeper. But every effort is worth it and I have to remind myself that my life, no matter how mundane it can seem at times, has great worth. 

On Faith...

Faith in God: Since my young adult years I have worked to strengthen my relationship with God and when I focus on this and I take time to give thanks it reminds me that I am not forgotten. It reminds me that I am loved. Doing this also makes me aware of my blessings.Whether it be through prayer or simply taking an honest appreciation audit, I challenge you to feel negative afterward.
I also pray for help. It comforts me to know that I am not alone in the challenges I face. Be they big or small, I can always ask for guidance and support. I find that when I ask I receive what I need (not always what I want).

Faith in self: This doesn't come easy for me but I'm looking forward :)Every morning I have been praying for guidance for that day. If I spend my day thinking about what is important, the things that I love I find my motivation. Its so much easier to clean the dishes if I focus on how great it is that I've made a good meal for the people I love or for myself! When I am motivated and productive I feel better about myself.



How does faith effect your daily life?

Looking Forward

The problem with putting yourself down a lot is that it keeps you there. If you tell yourself how wrong, undeserving and worthless you are long enough you find yourself standing still looking around and seeing nothing.

I recently received a wonderful email from one of my favorite uncles. He said some things that started me thinking. My husband has been sick and I haven't had time to do much, but with all the time I've spent in doctor's offices, ER's and by my husbands side at home I've gained a little perspective while pondering this email.  I'd like to share some of what he said with you..."Life is like driving a boat. To get where you want to go you focus on the horizon, not 10 feet in front. There will be waves between you and the horizon, but that's the "small stuff". You ride over them and continue toward your focused target. You can never steer a boat by looking at the wake, never look backward."

My uncle suggested that I understand and focus on the priorities in my life leaving less time to worry with the little things that really don't matter. I realized how much time I spend standing still with my life, looking only at the little things and causing my own stress instead of taking action and looking forward. I've spent the past few days really thinking about this. What really are my priorities? How can I keep myself focused and looking forward?

The people, places and things that mean the most to me can be summed up in three words that have almost reached the point of becoming cliche thanks to the trend of hanging words as home decor (a trend that I do love).

Faith, Family and Friends. These three words and the sum of what they truly are make up my priorities. These are the things I see on my horizon but are also with me at all times too.There will be more on this but right now I'm still tending to and pondering these things.

Now a moment of pride in myself related to looking forward...I have attempted Weight Watchers going on 3 times now. Each time this program worked well for me but I never learned to forgive myself when I didn't eat or exercise as well as I should. This weekend I didn't make the best food choices but I looked ahead. Without much effort I forgave myself. I understand the reasons why I didn't eat as well and I accepted that as the past and not a reason for giving up! I kept tracking my food and I tried to look and move forward - and I did it! Even with the Cajun Filet Biscuit with Cheese, Seasoned Fried and that super yummy bite of Brenna's cinnamon pecan twist, I lost .6lbs. Not a lot but still a loss and and lesson learned! I'm super proud of myself and I don't regret a thing. Bojangles was just a wave but I kept my eyes on the horizon! Thanks Uncle John! You rock! :)

By the way - my total loss to date is 5.2! Yay me!

Peeling Apples

I can peel an apple without lifting the knife or breaking the skin. I wanted to learn how and I practiced and I figured it out. And yet today I sit here beating myself up because I'm lacking in motivation. There is so much that can be done and so much that has to be done. I find myself doing a little and then losing interest. This is a pattern of mine that I have in many aspects of my life. I'm trying to get out of the always half-hearted habit. So today when I peeled myself the apple you see above I thought about setting goals, trying hard and achieving and why its so hard for me. And I end up back where I always end up...irritable and not happy with myself. Then not only do I not want to be around myself, no one else does either!

The issue is not if I am able to work hard and achieve it is whether I am willing. I realize that I work plenty hard on things that truly interest me. I taught myself to peel that apple and if you've never tried that, it isn't as easy as it looks. So here's the problem...I don't know what interests me and I'm not interested in some things that really should be done.

How to motivate myself to do the mundane so that I'll feel good enough about myself to try out some new interests??

1. Stay away from technology - the computer and mobile phone is VERY distracting and encourages my laziness.
2. Enlist the help of the children
3. Talk to myself nicely - stop saying things like; "I just don't want to" and "I don't have the energy"and REALLY stop saying things like; "I'm so lazy," "My family deserves better."
4. Just do it! Turn on the music and get to work. 

I want to be the best for my husband and my children but I really want to be the best for myself. Part of that is doing things like keeping a clean and organized house and preparing meals that nourish me and my family. I should do these things with pride but I readily admit that I don't like to. But I will. I'm going to continue to work on my motivation to do the things that need to be done. I'm sure that in doing so I will eventually start finding my personal interests and motivations.


Things aren't always easy, nor should they be. I will peel away the years of settling for the easy things and missing out on the pride that comes from completing tasks and challenges. Just like my attempts in learning to peel an apple. If I mess up I will try again until more times than not I do it with ease.

I'd love to hear how you stay motivated to do the day to day things that need to be done?

Pats on the back

One the way to my parent's house to pick up our children Joey and I had an interesting conversation. He was saying that women try to look good for others and that is the only reason. I devoutly argued the side that as a women i try to look good for myself.

I spend lots of time around the house. It seems redundant to take the time daily to shower and do my hair. To put on make up and clothes that aren't sweats or pjs would mean time, effort and more laundry. But then I find that when I do need to leave the house I still don't want to put forth the effort to look much better. So then I don't really care if I look good for others. However, when I do put forth the effort, when I spend a little time on my face and hair and add a little jewelry to my matching outfit, I feel better. I feel like a human. I feel motivated.

So with that experience I deduce that I try to look good for myself - not others. That is when I actually try. Joey is convinced by that logic - to a degree anyway.

Yesterday was one of my good days. I actually put a little curl in my hair and fluffed it some. I picked out a nice outfit that didn't look like pajamas and I even matched my makeup (tastefully) to my shirt! :) I put on jewelry and I felt like a woman. A strong and capable woman. After the discussion in the van I felt even more motivated. I was proud - I took the time to care for myself and I did it for myself!

And then - no one said anything! Seriously? I look like a Big, Beautiful Woman pajama ad most every time these people see me and they don't even notice the time I took this morning to look nice? I was astounded at my thought process. If I truly did all this for myself then why am I concerned about others statements or lack there of? I pushed it out of my mind but honestly it kept creeping back in most of the day.

I crave attention. I want to be patted on the back. Its who I am. That I know about myself. Is it a flaw I should try to change or something I should accept and embrace in the quest to get to know who I am? Maybe a little of both. There is nothing wrong with the fact that I feel loved and important when others notice me or notice my successes. That I will accept. But my expectations of others - that is what I need to change. I will be reminding myself when the pat on the back that I deserve doesn't come, that not being acknowledged doesn't diminish me or my strides. I have to truly do these thing for myself and not for others. I have to be proud of the shots I take. In the big scheme of things my life and how I live should be for God and for myself.

Yes, when I'm noticed I will bloom faster - that is part of who i am. But, when a flower is blooming in the wild and no one sees it that doesn't mean it isn't beautiful.